


Sick of Losing Soulmates.

by reidbyers



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: F/M, Reader-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-04
Updated: 2017-05-04
Packaged: 2018-10-28 00:26:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10819887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reidbyers/pseuds/reidbyers
Summary: Bottling up your feelings was never a good idea, it lead to bad things. Bad things such as drinking away your feelings over Spencer and his new girlfriend and proceeding to leave him a very long drunk voicemail on his phone.





	Sick of Losing Soulmates.

You weren’t jealous, you weren’t. If you kept repeating it to yourself maybe it would come true. You told yourself you were happy for Spencer, he deserved to be happy. In all the time you’d known him he’d never had a relationship and considering your crush on him that was fine but now there was someone in his romantic life; and it was consuming your thoughts. It wasn’t any of your business, never had you confessed your feelings for him and you weren’t going to do it now because he truly did seem happy, and really that was all you wanted for him. But still, you couldn’t stop the way your heart seemed to ache when you heard him making plans over the phone with his girlfriend.

Everyone knew about your feelings for him, Derek had even asked you if he could talk to Spencer about it but you declined. You didn’t want anyone getting involved, if Spencer was happy then that was it, end of story.

On long nights with only your insomnia as company, you wondered what she was like. Was she short, did she like the way Spencer buried his face into her neck when they hugged, did she make sure all their kisses were perfect? She was probably intelligent, more so than you could ever hope to be, maybe a genius like he was. You couldn’t stop thinking about the way he would look at her, like she strung the stars up like fairy lights just for him. You knew that if you kept thinking about things like that you’d slowly drive yourself insane but you couldn’t stop yourself, it hurt too much to pretend you were fine.

So on the worst nights you’d drink, sometimes a single beer and other nights vodka straight from the bottle, it depended on how distracted you wanted to be. You felt pathetic, drinking yourself to sleep over some man. The issue was Spencer wasn’t just “some man”, he was your best friend and having to hide your feelings for him was one thing, but having to get over them was a totally different thing.

You took a swig of Vodka before attempting to get up from the kitchen floor, failing and instead just sliding back down, leaning up against the cupboard. Spencer was probably out at some fancy restaurant with his cute genius girlfriend and you were drunk, alone in your apartment. It was obvious why he didn’t have feelings for you, there were so many other women in the world who were more qualified.

With a sigh, you went to grab the bottle again but your hand reached your phone first. You glared at the lack of notifications before remembering everyone else had a life they were busy with, unlike you. It was after you unlocked your phone that the idea hit you, a bad idea no doubt but an idea nonetheless. Slowly, you went onto your contacts and found Spencer’s number. The sober part of your brain knew you’d regret this in the morning but the drunk part was yelling at you, telling you that getting your feelings out would be helpful. You dialed his number and held it up to your ear.

“This is Doctor Spencer Reid with the Behavioural Analysis Unit, I’m unable to take your call at the moment but leave a message and I’ll get back to you.” His voice filled your ears and made your heart ache even more, of course he was busy. He had someone to go out and doing things with now. You sighed and listened to the beep, indicating you could now talk.

“Hi Spencer… it’s (Y/N). I just wanted to see what you were doing.” Your voice was clearly slurred but oh well, you’d already started so there was no turning back. “Sorry if i’m disrupting you, I wouldn’t want to burden you and your super hot and cool new girlfriend who you’re probably with right now. I bet she’s really fucking smart, just like you.” You paused to hiccup before continuing. “I’m so happy for you Spence, you deserve to be happy. I wish I could be the one making you happy but you don’t feel that way and it’s fine! It’s fine! I just…” Those three words threatened to come out, you felt them on the tip of your tongue and while it was so incredibly inappropriate, at that moment you didn’t care.

“I love you. Like, a fucking lot. So much that it hurts to see that someone else is making you happy in the way I want to? I don’t know I’m being so dumb. You give me those movie cliche butterflies and I want to kiss your stupid fucking face every time I see you but I can’t! I can’t because you’re dating someone now but I can’t stop wishing it was me- Fuck this is so bad I’m so sorry.” You hung up and slid your phone away from you, your eyes had welled up with tears as soon as you said I love you and now they were spilling down your cheeks; you were an emotional drunk so this was only to be expected. Calling Spencer was a mistake, you were too overwhelmed by your own feelings to realise that it was going to now put him in an uncomfortable situation.

Emotionally exhausted from your outburst, you finally managed to pull yourself up off of the floor and wandered over to your couch, the bedroom was too far away and you just needed to lie down as soon as possible. You collapsed down onto it, still trying to stop yourself from crying anymore.

You didn’t know how long you slept for but you were woken by the alarm on your phone blaring from within the kitchen. The sunlight streaming in through the window hurt your eyes and worsened your headache, drinking that much on a work night was a bad idea and it was coming to bite you in the ass. It took you longer than usual to get ready since every room you entered would spin, you had to call a taxi instead of driving because while you weren’t drunk the symptoms of the hangover were dangerous, you didn’t fancy being dead even if the pain in your stomach was horrific.

“Woah, baby. Are you okay? You’re looking a little rough.” Morgan asked in the elevator up to the office, you just glared at him in reply and let the tired look of your eyes answer his question. He just nodded his head and looked straight forward. “Got it.”

You walked together into the office, thanking him for opening the door for you before walking over to your desk. You didn’t realise until you sat down but Spencer wasn’t at his desk, it was unusual for him to be late. It was only then that you remembered what happened the night before, the already sickness in your stomach grew as you try to recall what you had said. If Spencer was late in then you were positive it was because of that voicemail, instead of protecting him like you wanted, you’d only caused him more pain. With a groan, you dumped your bag under your desk and when rested your head onto it, the cool plastic of the desk felt nice against your warm skin.

“Are you alright, (Y/N)?” Upon hearing Spencer’s voice, you shot up, unsure for how long you’d been laying there. He was standing above you, coffee in hand. There was something off though, his posture was different than usual and he seemed a little more closed off; you assumed it was because of you. You weren’t sure if you were just imagining it but his eyes looked a little red, almost like he had been crying. While you didn’t exactly remember what you had said to him on the phone, you were certain it wasn’t anything mean, something else must have happened.

“Yeah! Yeah I’m fine, really fine. How are you?” You overcompensated for how you were really thinking with a smile and an attempt at acting okay, Spencer looked quizzical but he just walked over to his desk and put his coffee and bag down; you watched intently for any sign of sadness coming from him.

“I, um, got broken up with.” Spencer admitted with defeat in his voice, he didn’t look at you and instead just stared down at his desk. Your mouth dropped open at his words, who in their right mind would break up with Spencer? He was the perfect guy, nothing short of a gentleman. Your first instinct was to go hug him but you weren’t sure if he’d want that, so instead you stood up from your desk and walked over to his, hovering awkwardly near him.

“I’m sorry, Spence.” You couldn’t think of what else to say that would be appropriate, it was clear that Spencer really liked this girl and for him to find someone like that was rare, if she couldn’t see how special he was then that was her problem, not his. Spencer just nodded his head and sighed, glancing up at you for a second before offering a small smile.

“We have work to do.” He said before looking away again and started looking through the small mountain of files he had on his desk, you didn’t want to pressure him into talking about it so you let him be, walking back to your own desk and started up on your own work. You worked silently for an hour or so, there were no new cases so all you had to do was a lot of paperwork.

“I’ve lost my phone, can one of you call it?” JJ asked as she came down the stairs from Hotch’s office, Spencer looked up at her before rummaging through his desk drawers until he pulled out his phone. You felt your heart physically drop in your chest as it dawned on you while Spencer had been acting totally fine with you; he hadn’t heard the voicemail. His phone had been in his desk all night, you debated with yourself whether snatching the phone out of his hands and crushing it beneath your feet would be too obvious. You watched with an open mouth as he called JJ’s phone and heard no ringtone go off, she groaned and marched off, thinking maybe Garcia had it.

Spencer went to lock his phone before noticing the red notification over the phone icon, he pressed it and realised he had one missed phone call and one voicemail from you. Without a second thought, he pressed onto it and held the phone up to his ear, out of the corner of his ear he spotted you staring at him. It was only when he heard your very intoxicated voice that he realised why you were staring. The call was innocent at first but at the mention of his now ex girlfriend, Spencer felt the heat rise to his cheeks. He listened to you go on and on about what he was doing and how happy you were for him, it was embarrassing but he wasn’t offended by your drunkenness.

As you watched, the changes in his facial expressions and posture were very clear, at first Spencer was almost humoured by your words, sure the mentions of his relationship were uncomfortable but nothing he didn’t expect from someone so drunk. Whatever hint of a smile he had on his face quickly changed though, he tensed up and you cringed at the thought of what you were possibly saying.

Spencer listened as you confessed your feelings for him, he didn’t know how to process it because while he’d had a crush on you since you joined the team, he thought you were too far out of his league and yet here you were, saying I love you over the phone. By the end of the call he could hear that you were crying, he couldn’t quite believe that this was real because why would you be crying over him when it would be so easy for you to go out and find any man you wanted? Once the phone call was over he slowly lowered the phone onto the table and looked at you who hadn’t stopped staring since he picked up the phone in the first place.

Neither one of you knew exactly what to say, you both simultaneously were in shock over what had just unfolded. The embarrassment of having Spencer now know your crush on him after he had just got dumped and Spencer realising that you had liked him all the while he had liked you, it was too much.

“I…” You tried to come up with something intelligent to say, an apology maybe, an excuse to explain what he had just heard; but nothing came out.

“You love me?” Spencer’s voice was quiet, he looked unsure on whether he should be asking you that question. It felt like time had stopped, you didn’t care about all of the people around you, your focus was only on Spencer. With a sad smile, you nodded your head; there was no point denying it now.

“Yeah, for a while now.” You admitted bashfully and drew your gaze downwards, picking awkwardly at your fingernails. In your head you had pictured a beautiful announcement of your feelings, something romantic that you’d remember for your whole life, anything but over the phone on a drunk voicemail. You were too busy freaking out over the realisation that you had finally been honest with Spencer to realise that he had stood up from his seat and had walked over to you, it wasn’t until he tilted your chin up to face him that you snapped out of your thoughts. Spencer stood there quietly for a few moments, taking in the details of your face.

“I love you too.” You’d pictured Spencer saying those words to you many times before but it was more beautiful than you had ever imagined, you felt yourself almost melt into your chair, looking up at him doe eyed. “I’m… I’m not ready to get into another relationship so soon after but, just know I love you too.” He smiled at you before pulling his hand away, his lips drawn in that awkward line before he wandered back to his desk like he didn’t know where it was in the first place.

You could wait, just knowing that Spencer felt the same way you did was enough. Even if you wanted to show him exactly how much you loved him, respecting his boundaries came first. With a smitten sigh, you twirled around in your chair to face your desk, you were starting to feel better already,


End file.
